Cleaning out the cobwebs?

It's been a while since I've had a moment to sit down and write. I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and write like this for a bit. Or maybe it's just that, like so many times before, I've gone ahead and made excuses for myself. I'm too busy with this, too busy with that or I have nothing to write about that deserved to be on here.

Honestly, though, I totally need to call myself on this more often than I do under normal circumstances. Holding myself accountable is something I know I have to work on and something I have at least been trying to do on a daily basis. To do things like accept that not everything is going the way I might want it and knowing it doesn't mean it's the end of the world as I know it. I can accept change, swallow my pride, and find a way to function without making the lives of everyone around me miserable because I feel miserable.

So, I have, in list form, things I have done in the past couple months/weeks/however long it's been in order to get myself caught up a bit.

1. I've been doing a lot of stuff for myself. Trying to find a job can be exhausting and I know I feel like I am stretched thin nine times out of ten when people ask me how I'm doing. Especially in this coming week, I'm blocking out some time for myself so I don't feel like I'm going insane from everything I need to be doing. My promise to myself in the next two weeks is to take time for me, which may mean naps during the day and finding something fun each day instead of dwelling on the bad things. Knowing that I have people in my life who are a phone call away is helpful, too.
2. Job hunting has been somewhat successful. I'm at least landing interviews and getting answers when I hound people down to find out if they want to continue on or not. All else fails, I'll continue to work at The Target (as Josh called it last time he was there with me) and take on another job part-time to make ends meet. Medical bills are expensive, yo.
3. Boardwalk Empire is kind of epic. I love it and am excited to know that, when I get off work tonight, I'll be coming home to watch another episode with the fella as we catch up to the most current season.

I'm out of things to say for the moment. I'm still exhausted and I'm in the mood to simmer and relax. Even if it means listening to kids shows while I sit comfortably on the couch. I send love to everyone out there reading this and not. 

Hopeful.

I've been just exhausted the past few weeks. A lot has happened in life and I'm still working on processing it. But I finally feel like I'm able to sit down and maybe write something, at least show some signs of life.

I won't lie, I've had a hard time. I've been sliding down a darker scale that I can't quite get a grip on. It's exhausting most days trying to keep myself from feeling like my world is collapsing in on me. I hate the darker thoughts and the despair but, today, this week, there seems to be a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel.

A job. An actual job where I would have something of a steady schedule and better pay and security. I've been holding my breath, but I didn't realize how relieved I would be at finding something that might actually work. Here's to hoping.

Shallow, but that's okay

I find myself feeling really good about myself and my life. Why? Well, many reasons follow this statement. One reason? I feel like I am healthy and happy and fucking good looking as I am Yes, I have some extra weight and I may not look how I want myself to look, but I am totally real (well, okay, the hair dye looks natural but it's not) inside and out. I have been true to myself and, while I feel ridiculously self-conscious sometimes, I know that I am not alone and that I am strong for being me. It's not always easy but sometimes you just have to do it- suck it up and live and change who you are if you want the positive change in your life.

I have lost 12 pounds since I started wii fit and weight watchers. I may look and feel so heavy, but I am losing some of the weight I want to be gone. Yes, right now I may be snacking on a few treats, but it's Sunday. The clouds are rolling in, thunder and lightning have taken over the sky, and I am enjoying a late night television show to pass time until I am asleep.

Dear world, I do love you. I'll do an actual post tomorrow. I'm just feeling kind of super good about myself and had to gloat to the world.

Thank god for vodka and fathers who can fix computers

It's been a long weekend/week/whatever. Mostly fun (this weekend) and mostly long (last week) but it's okay. I did get paid more than usual, which was nice (hey, I had to work a holiday which means more money) but this week is a much lighter week. Though now that my availability finally went through (THANK GOD IT STOPPED COMING BACK TO ME) I'll hopefully get more daylight hours. I would like to spend time with my family, please and thanks. And see the fella, which has been hard when I work until midnight and he has to be up at five-thirty in the morning. Literally, I saw him this morning when he gave me a kiss goodbye and I mumbled something about how my sunglasses were in the truck. I have not seen him since (though we did have an actual conversation on the phone during my break, which is rare for when I work).

Tonight was fun (I'm being sarcastic) because I came in and was just already exhausted. I woke up this morning in absolute pain. Why? I went to ValleyFair yesterday and, because it was sunny, hot, and we went to the water park, I got severe sunburn. My shoulders, my chest and, awkwardly, the back of my legs, are burned to the point where last night it was painful to sleep. I spent Monday (god I forgot that it was after midnight SO this is a Tuesday post) lying around with ice packs on me, playing my GameBoy Advance (Pokemon is all the rage, didn't you know?) while watching Teen Mom (I have to catch up on season 3 before the fourth one starts tomorrow obviously!) instead of accomplishing major things today. Like laundry or cleaning.

You may ask, why was I not on my laptop? Well, that can be answered quite easily- because my screen is cracked. I stepped on the top and now I have an ugly crack on the right side of my vision. This was stupid on my part because I should have known better than to walk around after going to a theme park and feeling tired and trying to walk around the room when I left it sitting around. BUT my father has managed to find a way to fix it. Thank god for my dad, who builds computers and knows how to actually fix things when they break (especially electronics!).

It's well after 1 and I should be going to bed. I plan to do quite a bit tomorrow and Wednesday so we'll see if I can manage it. Until next time, I send love (especially to my platonic soulmate, who has been TWENTY-THREE as of midight) <3

Positive changes ahoy!

I decided a couple weeks ago I wanted to get started on trying to lose weight. I'm skeptical about most and/or any programs, mostly because I have no idea if it will work. My mother has been on Weight Watchers since last summer and it's worked for her. She's losing weight. So, today, after I got my refund check from the state in the bank, I made a choice.

I'm starting weight watchers.

This means eating healthier than I have been recently, exercising more and doing something to make myself feel better. I lost weight before so I know I can do it.

So please, cheer along with me, internet! Time to start some work-out before I shower and get ready for work.

A little happiness amongst retail hell

 

I work in retail, something that makes for holidays very interesting. And by interesting, I mean I usually want to gouge my eyes out and anxiously glance at the clock anytime I get in order to see if I'm able to go home yet. True, I do get paid more today when I go in for my 7.5 hour shift, but it doesn't mean I really want to be there the entire time. I don't get when people go shopping on holidays and, while I get the sales, I just get tired. This happens more when it's like Christmas Eve or 4th of July when I want to go home and people are out and I just want to yell at them HEY DON'T YOU WANT TO GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILY RATHER THAN SPENDING MONEY ON USELESS SHIT?

Ahem, I digress.

I can be happy, at the very least, that I enjoy working with the people I close with on Mondays. I love my team lead, who always makes me laugh and the people who help me when I'm drowning under the pressure of clothes and people and phone calls. I'm supported by the people I work with for the very first time in my life, which is all the more reason to be grateful when you work in a thankless section like retail.

Another happy thing? I'm not going to be alone tonight! The fella is coming back and so is his sister and her youngest babies. I've been sleeping terribly the past few nights and it'll be good to have normal again for me. I've missed the people, even if the quiet is nice, too.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Memorial Day. I have to note that today I am remembering everyone who has served and, especially in my thoughts, my grandfathers who both fought in WWII. Neal who was in the Pacific, serving in the Navy, and Robert who spent time with the army in North Africa and Italy. They passed away years ago but they are usually never far from my thoughts. Now, time to enjoy some sunshine before I go to work. Y'all should do the same!

Quiet, quiet house

My family has never been very big and we didn't get together often beyond traditional holidays and birthday months where we celebrated all the birthdays that had come and gone. I have four cousins, two of whom actually lived in the area and, considering they were boys, we didn't always want to do the same things. Even when we were all together, there was a sense of order and (mostly) calm.

This is not the case with the fella and his family. I have to take into account that, right now, we're living with his mother while we get all our ducks in a row (mostly me finding a real, big-girl job) and the family just sort of flocks here. A lot. He has three older siblings, four nieces and one nephew and everyone is just very loud. I'm not used to very loud and I'm still getting adjusted to the fact that there are many family gatherings where I can barely hear myself think.

I would be going through this right now, but since I get to work all weekend, I have the house all to myself while everyone else is up at the lake. I'm a little bummed but I think it's alright. I'm watching trash TV, not even remotely dressed for anything productive, and relaxing. No small children are running around shrieking, no 5 am wake-up calls from an overexcited toddler and I get the entire bed all to myself.

I miss the family, though, even if I love having a bit of alone time. I have a list of things I do want to get done today, like some cleaning and washing dishes and all sorts of boring housework things.

I have been thinking, though, about giving a bit of a background on why I've decided, at least when I started this, to go with Vee. There is a reason, dear readers, I can promise you that. You see, I love mythology and astronomy. I also loved reading and watching Sailor Moon (I can also admit I still love it to this day). When I started working at camp, I got to pick a counselor name and it seemed almost easy and inevitable that I would pick the name Vesta. This is also my name on Band Back Together. Vee is short for Vesta.

This post may have had a point when I started but I'm realizing I have lost it. That's alright though, I'm just going to curl up and relax before I get to doing things I want to get done. Have a good day, internet!